Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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