the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
foreskin is a definite game changer
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
