Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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