Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
