someone threw a dead crab at me
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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