So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize