a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize
