glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
