this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
