I faked an abortion last night.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
