Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
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