You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
