What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
