He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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