My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
