There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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