it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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