Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
