yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Drunk is not a location!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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