We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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