i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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