The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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