I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
it glows. i had to have it.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
