This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
