remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
