Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
