i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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