i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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