apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
