she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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