I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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