I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
