Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
My ass is underappreciated
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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