I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Randomize
