My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
