i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
