i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
