I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
