Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
