God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
