Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Randomize
