Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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