I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Found your dick twin last night
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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