I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
