It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
