I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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