They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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