I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
