Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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