I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
