it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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