I just pynch a tree in the face
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
