my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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