On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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