Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
