Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
